(Step-)Mommy Practice: A Reflection

For the past two weeks (with the exception of Father's Day weekend), I was fully responsible for my future step-daughter, Lily. I refer to this as mommy practice because it was the first time she was spending an extended amount of time with me, where it was just the two of us all day, every day. I've spent winter breaks with her before, watching her during the day while her dad and grandparents work because it's cheaper than paying for all day daycare for those few weeks. But this was different: I was paying for groceries and cooking dinner and there weren't going to be grandparents or daddy at night to take up her attention.

This was me for the few months leading up to Mommy Practice, because I was super nervous about it.

We spent all day together during the week, though not always on the same activities. When we were on campus (usually late morning until late afternoon/early evening), I read about a statistical software I will use for some data analysis this summer or fulfilled various duties for the online classes with which I assist; she was fighting the summer slide with math, reading, and writing workbooks I had purchased for her. Each day, I asked her to complete a certain number of lessons in the reading or writing books (because if I left it to her, she'd only work on math), and then she could work on math or read a book she brought with her. We spent about an hour for lunch, either in the lounge in the building where my office is, in the courtyard outside that building, or in the student union. We also packed snacks because she (like me) is hungry every few hours, and at those times, I'd let her play on her phone or tablet for 30-60 minutes, depending on her progress on the workbook lessons I'd requested she complete that day.

After working, we would go for a workout. This was adapted from what I would generally do for a workout because children are only permitted in certain areas of the rec center; so we played racquetball (without rules) or basketball. A couple of days we went to the pool at my apartment and spent time in the sun and water. We also played Zumba on the Wii. She especially loved racquetball; she never wanted to stop playing once she was better about not knocking the racket into her shins.

She was much better than this, but there were a few times when she assumed a turtle position on the floor because she was afraid the ball was going to hit her after rebounding particularly fast.

We also had the puberty talk with a little help from American Girl.

I found this book to be very comprehensive and well written; though there were a few things I disagreed with from personal experience, it's a really good way to start the discussion of puberty with a young girl and ensure you cover all the big things and many of the small things you may forget - like diet, staying active, and emotions. They also have a second one to cover additional information and a separate book on feelings.

There were times during our talk when she was bored, so I would give her sections she was responsible for reading. And there were other times when she had lots of questions (like about breasts and especially periods). When discussing periods, we also did what she called a "learn and tell" with three different sizes and kinds of pads and a tampon. I wasn't initially sure we were going to do that because feminine products are not cheap, but I decided I wanted her to be comfortable using these materials when the time comes, and part of that is knowing what they look like, seeing how the pads go into a pair of underwear, and understanding how to dispose of them. While I will probably discourage her from using tampons at first, I did want her to know what they looked like, and we talked through how it's used.

This may all sound rosy and happy, but we did have our bumps. One of the biggest was when we first were playing basketball (Around the World, to be exact). That resulted in a bit of a tantrum, but we worked through it after some tears and expressed frustrations and ended up having fun; enough so that she requested to play again in the second week with much more success (and lots less drama).

Then there were the struggles with the writing workbook. She didn't like the reading one very much, but she would work in it without complaining too much when I asked. But the writing book was always a fight. When I asked her to redo one of the lessons because she did it incorrectly, there were tears and complaints that she had spent a lot of time on it. There was a lot of discussion about what was good description and how to use notes or an outline in writing a paragraph. And counting; there was one lesson about varying the length of sentences, and when I asked her to count the number of words in a sentence, somehow she ended up counting syllables instead. Although it was a fight (except for the lesson on similes, which she actually enjoyed), it was worth it because I greatly value writing and I know it's a skill she's going to need for many years. I'd rather fight with her now to start developing those skills than see her struggle when she needs them later.

There were also minor spats and weird mood swings (for both of us). There was breaking her habit of turning on all the lights and leaving them on, or leaving pencils/her tablet/her glasses on the futon where they could be sat on or damaged. There was ensuring her dirty clothes were in the laundry basket I provided for her, taking her shoes off when she came inside, doing her chore (cleaning the table and counters) properly, and not spending tons of time on electronics.

I had to explain that wiping crumbs and food on the floor was not proper cleaning. She was much better by the end of the couple of weeks.

But things went really well for the most part, and I learned some valuable lessons from the experience.

1. I'm a terrible enforcer of bedtime, probably because I've never been a very good observer of bedtime. Luckily, my fiance is much better about this.
2. I can be patient. I do lose my patience at times, but I can be patient.
3. I can parent. I won't be perfect, and this was a short term deal, but she didn't die (or come close to it), she doesn't hate me (yet...she is only 9), and I didn't feel like we suffocated each other in the process.
4. She is growing up really fast. She made her own breakfast every morning and she helped cook dinner (including mixing meatloaf by hand, setting the oven temperature and timer for various things, and tending the potatoes to make sure they didn't boil over, among other tasks). We also went training bra shopping this past week; it's a little mind-blowing for me.
5. We can live together. We still have a lot of learning about each other, and this wasn't quite true to what it will be like living together before too long because it's summer and her dad wasn't with us for the two weeks, but we can live together.
6. She's my little girl. I may not have given birth to her, but she's my little girl and I love her. This is not a new revelation (I realized that the first time I met her), but it feels even more true after our time together.

I love you, my sweet, silly, intelligent, little girl!