Unsent Letter for a Broken Friendship
I won't pretend to know what happened because I don't. All I know is that you asked me to stand beside you at your wedding last spring, and this spring, I don't get an invitation. It hurt and it sucked, especially when you couldn't be assed to respond to any form of communication.
Unfortunately, I can't say I was that surprised. This past year has been marred by numerous cancelled lunches that you always promised to reschedule and never did. You would cancel and I wouldn't hear from you again until I reached out to you. After the third cancellation, I started to wonder if I should even be in your wedding because I obviously didn't mean much to you; and that was glaringly obvious when we scheduled a birthday lunch (for your birthday) on a day when you said you had nothing else planned, and you cancelled an hour before we were supposed to meet. And the only reason I found out you were cancelling is because I contacted you to find out where we were meeting. You hadn't bothered to tell me when you'd scheduled your lunch with the in-laws over our lunch date.
But then what else should I have expected. Part of me knew you were going to cancel that lunch, just like all the others. But you hadn't told me you didn't want me in your wedding anymore, so I went ahead and bought the dress, my fiance and his daughter planned their trip to town, and we planned our activities and time together around expecting to celebrate you and your new husband that weekend. And when an invitation didn't arrive, I reached out to you and heard nothing. Then I reached out to someone else I knew you would invite and learned the invitations had gone out. Mine hadn't come. So I reached out again, just for benefit of the doubt, because the woman I considered a friend would have at least had the courtesy to uninvite me with a conversation. But I guess I was wrong about who you are.
Busy. That's always the excuse, right? You're busy. I'm busy. All our friends from the MBA are busy. Busy isn't a good enough excuse to cancel last minute. Every. Single. Time. And it really isn't enough to go from "Will you be a bridesmaid?" to disappearing off the face of the planet.
Despite this, I don't ill wish you. I hope your marriage is a happy one. You deserve to have a happy and healthy relationship. But you're a bit like Alexander Hamilton in the musical; I'm not sure you will ever be satisfied. You, like our other "friends" from the MBA, have an extremely unhealthy habit. They're all different habits, but yours is overcommitting; you overschedule yourself and fail to take care of yourself. At first, I admired you for how well you were able to manage your time; now I realize that you don't really. If you did, you would find a healthy balance and ask others to step up to help and turn down things that are too much. You would make time for yourself. Instead, you make yourself seriously ill by running yourself into the ground...repeatedly.
So while I wish you happiness, and sincerely hope you are happy, I'm not sure it's possible because of your nature. I hope I'm wrong.
As for our friendship, I don't think it exists anymore. I've spent many nights crying about it, and not just ours, but the "friendships" with the others in our tight-knit group from the MBA. My fiance has held me during my breakdowns trying to figure out why none of you cared; why they completely stopped talking to me and why you seemed perfectly happy to only appear available. I've cried, I've been angry, I've grieved, I've longed to be a bystander and hear any news I could find as to how you were doing, and now, in writing this post and saying my peace, I'm over it.
And I think it's for the best. I want people in my life who will encourage me to have healthy habits, to take care of myself, and to take time for things that are more important (like family, friends, and hobbies). I need people who will support me when they are able, and make me feel like I am still valued, no matter how small the gesture. We're all busy. I still find time to chat with friends in Kansas City and New York and wherever else they may be; it isn't all the time and usually isn't for long periods of time, but it's enough to catch up and keep that friendship alive.
I feel I tried to do that with you. Perhaps there is something I didn't do; and it is likely that, in your mind, I did something to justify your behavior. So be it. I apparently won't learn what that was, but you've made your opinion clear. And in the process, you've taught me that I still trust too early and have a lot to learn about choosing people to call friends.
Unfortunately, I can't say I was that surprised. This past year has been marred by numerous cancelled lunches that you always promised to reschedule and never did. You would cancel and I wouldn't hear from you again until I reached out to you. After the third cancellation, I started to wonder if I should even be in your wedding because I obviously didn't mean much to you; and that was glaringly obvious when we scheduled a birthday lunch (for your birthday) on a day when you said you had nothing else planned, and you cancelled an hour before we were supposed to meet. And the only reason I found out you were cancelling is because I contacted you to find out where we were meeting. You hadn't bothered to tell me when you'd scheduled your lunch with the in-laws over our lunch date.
But then what else should I have expected. Part of me knew you were going to cancel that lunch, just like all the others. But you hadn't told me you didn't want me in your wedding anymore, so I went ahead and bought the dress, my fiance and his daughter planned their trip to town, and we planned our activities and time together around expecting to celebrate you and your new husband that weekend. And when an invitation didn't arrive, I reached out to you and heard nothing. Then I reached out to someone else I knew you would invite and learned the invitations had gone out. Mine hadn't come. So I reached out again, just for benefit of the doubt, because the woman I considered a friend would have at least had the courtesy to uninvite me with a conversation. But I guess I was wrong about who you are.
Busy. That's always the excuse, right? You're busy. I'm busy. All our friends from the MBA are busy. Busy isn't a good enough excuse to cancel last minute. Every. Single. Time. And it really isn't enough to go from "Will you be a bridesmaid?" to disappearing off the face of the planet.
Despite this, I don't ill wish you. I hope your marriage is a happy one. You deserve to have a happy and healthy relationship. But you're a bit like Alexander Hamilton in the musical; I'm not sure you will ever be satisfied. You, like our other "friends" from the MBA, have an extremely unhealthy habit. They're all different habits, but yours is overcommitting; you overschedule yourself and fail to take care of yourself. At first, I admired you for how well you were able to manage your time; now I realize that you don't really. If you did, you would find a healthy balance and ask others to step up to help and turn down things that are too much. You would make time for yourself. Instead, you make yourself seriously ill by running yourself into the ground...repeatedly.
So while I wish you happiness, and sincerely hope you are happy, I'm not sure it's possible because of your nature. I hope I'm wrong.
As for our friendship, I don't think it exists anymore. I've spent many nights crying about it, and not just ours, but the "friendships" with the others in our tight-knit group from the MBA. My fiance has held me during my breakdowns trying to figure out why none of you cared; why they completely stopped talking to me and why you seemed perfectly happy to only appear available. I've cried, I've been angry, I've grieved, I've longed to be a bystander and hear any news I could find as to how you were doing, and now, in writing this post and saying my peace, I'm over it.
And I think it's for the best. I want people in my life who will encourage me to have healthy habits, to take care of myself, and to take time for things that are more important (like family, friends, and hobbies). I need people who will support me when they are able, and make me feel like I am still valued, no matter how small the gesture. We're all busy. I still find time to chat with friends in Kansas City and New York and wherever else they may be; it isn't all the time and usually isn't for long periods of time, but it's enough to catch up and keep that friendship alive.
I feel I tried to do that with you. Perhaps there is something I didn't do; and it is likely that, in your mind, I did something to justify your behavior. So be it. I apparently won't learn what that was, but you've made your opinion clear. And in the process, you've taught me that I still trust too early and have a lot to learn about choosing people to call friends.
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